The Witch's Brood

Story Introductions




Early Years




Watching a Darwinian experiment in our 5-gallon fish tank provided an education for the whole neighborhood.
Fred the Piranha




Never underestimate the superhuman strength of an 8-year old who is about-to-be lost and has forgotten his phone number.
Six Million Dollar Dan


Living in the wilderness on the edge of the Olympic National Park is great fun for the children but not so much fun for Mom when the snow piles up and the electricity is off for days at a time.
Lilliwaup Living


Dad number three was crazy about gift giving and shopped without dropping for months on end.  He insisted on ritual unwrapping and Christmas morning went on for days.
 Santa Daddy



Contrary to folklore, ordinary white ducks do not like to eat slugs but they happily eat everything else.
 Huey, Dewy & Louie


The best thing about pets is that they don't live forever and you can get new ones.  We had a guinea pig that did not understand average lifespan– another win for vegetarians.
 Father Pig Forever


Our first lop-eared rabbit looked like a goat and had the personality of a pit bull.  He was supposed to be a she, but thankfully was not.  You do not want to pass on genes like that.
 Lops & Flops





Middle Years



We did most of our shopping at Sears over the years; tools, appliances, lawn mowers, clothing, even guitar amps, but that came to a screeching halt when we moved to California without our catalogs, and Mom was driven to the brink of homicide.
Battle with Sears





One member of our family gave us eggs to eat, enjoyed watching TV with the kids, and warned us when snakes were in the backyard.  We believe she did it in gratitude for us saving her from certain death after she went past her pull date at the feed store.
 Dudleena the Guard Duck


On the move from Washington to California Mom lectured the children for 1,200 miles on the deadly inhabitants of sunny San Diego.  Snakes, scorpions, and black-widow spiders were the stars of the show.  After a few months the deadly beasts became playmates, and we all got used to living together until the rattler of all rattlers appeared in the street in front of our neighbors house.

 Snake in the Road



Have you ever had a pet that everyone in the world loved but you?  Our fluffy white cocker/poodle mix was adored by all but Mom, whom she sent up the walls in frustration.  Tuffy had been missing for days.  The bane of her life was finally gone, and Mom was glad or was she?
Tuffy the Terrible



An orphan kitten, saved by the beast, picked his favorite human and became tethered for life.
Saint Stephan


When middle daughter's beloved pet was killed by a car, and the replacement died of unknown causes, the family mobilized to keep her from falling into paralyzing despair.
  Don't Eat the Sock in the Freezer



Men came and went in Mom's life, since the kids always came first.  Some adult males ranked above most of the pets– some didn't.

 Good Riddance


Locking herself out of her new car with it running and low on gas, inspired Mom to feats of speed, agility, and strength never seen before or since.
 Keys



Later Years




Picture your worst-nightmare date for your youngest daughter and that would be Midget Freak.  Green and orange dreadlocks, pierced everything, spiked dog collar, 43-inches tall need I go on?
 Japanese Girl & Midget Freak



Beware of the Internet when making hotel reservations.  If there isn't a picture of the place– don't give them your credit card number.  There is a certain motel, and I use the term loosely, in Eastern Oregon where mosquitoes are trophy size, and cracks around the door and windows invite them in to suck your blood.
 Trip to Joseph



What is it with Mom and keys?  And what is she doing with an FBI Agent?  I thought she was joining the Peace Corps.
 Keys, Keys




It was a dark and stormy night and Mom is locked out of her car once again.  Can we just have a spare car key permanently attached to her body?
 Keys, Key, Keys




The neighbors may have seen one too many John Wayne movies.  Big John was always on the side of the poor squatters who were being chased off by cattle barons.  I don't have any cattle, but there was a horse involved in my struggle to reclaim my land.
 Squatter's War

 



No.  Not again.  Get this woman some help.  PLEASE
 Keys, Keys, Keys, Keys




Mom finally bought a car she couldn't lock herself out of and she locked herself in; at midnight, in front of the Post Office, on April 15th.
 Reverse Twist and the IRS




Midget Freak and youngest daughter got married on Friday the thirteenth and it just got better and better.
 A Most Unusual Wedding